February 2011
8 posts
Distant -
I’m done with having the answers to everyone’s problems but my own . I just need space to think, space to breathe .
She said I seem “distant” -
Well, yeah she does have a point .
Details Later .
Seriously, some of the stuff you come out with makes me think to myself “FUCK RIGHT OFF” . I love you, but you are an actual CUNT .
There’s you, then there’s her . There’s him, and then there’s you .
21 -
If I’m being totally honest, my birthday was quite lonely . It almost felt as if it wasn’t my birthday at all .
It’s my birthday today -
Details Later .
“I do love her, even when she gets on my nerves .”
I NEVER cry .
January 2011
18 posts
It’s no secret that I find both men and women attractive . Sometimes one more than the other, I dunno - I’m confused .
Or maybe I’m just “experimenting” or “dipping my fingers into a few pies” so to speak . I don’t actually know what I want in a boyfriend or girlfriend -
I hope that my future relationships are based on trust, “love”...
NEED TO STOP THIS .
Everything is so FUCKED right now -
MY HEAD IS FUCKED -
My feelings are OUT OF CONTROL . I shouldn’t, but I do . It’s wrong, but it just feels right .
As cliché as it sounds -
I NEVER get upset, jealous or uptight unless I really like someone . I shouldn’t like you, I can’t like you - I care about you more than I probably should . It’s NOT fair that I feel...
Friday 21st January, 2:18am -
The bestie, godson and younger sibling are all asleep - And here I am .
Wide Awake .
Insomnia has me in a choke hold and refuses to let go . What is the point in going to bed at 12 knowing full well I won’t sleep until 5 . And when I do finally wake it’s almost 3 or 4 in the afternoon -
I hate this .
“This shit is fucked up .”
Going to bed feeling bad, really bad .
After having yet another amazing weekend with the bestie -
The last thing I need is another reason for you to dislike me . This is becoming a joke .
The "@" -
I feel like I should intervene and tell them to stop . I feel bad, yes I laughed but I refuse to be dragged into this . I don’t know why I care to be honest - As far as I’m concerned we’re NOT friends . I don’t know, suppose it’s the changed person in me - I want to “@” you, but then why should I? It’s all dsjdbjfgnjidux I don’t know .
I feel really bad that I wasn’t there for my best friend today . The one time she actually needed me -
I’m so sorry .
I know sorry isn’t good enough - but I’ll make it up to you
I promise xo
One day someone will find this and when they do I don’t think I’m ready to be judged or questioned, I don’t think I’m ready for someone to THINK they know me based on what I write here - this is somewhere secret I go when my shoulders feel heavy . I’ve cried whilst writing 80% of these posts - it hasn’t been easy at all .
“Destination Unknown”
3:40 Contemplating -
Haven’t heard from you in a while, my fault really .
I’m awkward .
How are you anyway? Happy Christmas/New Year - I know it’s late, like really late .
Suppose better late than never right? How are you getting on? How’s the job going? Are you in college? Considering uni?
I know this is out of the blue, kinda of took me a long time to get over you . Not sure why...
I’m quite lucky to know the people I do . I know I talk about the negatives all the time, but it’s time to focus on the positives and stop living in the past . Obviously there’s people I miss, but I’ve found someone who finally gets me - who doesn’t make me feel like everythings “forced” . I can be myself around her, tell her the secrets I’ve never...
Today -
Wake Up
Turn Swag On
Smell Pretty
Look Pretty
Save The World
Make A Million
AND ABOVE ALL :
Be Happy
“I find it ironic if I hit another chick it’s gonna bruise you”
Untitled -
I’m now writing blog posts via my BlackBerry, which is weird . Whatever I feel at the moment, I’m able to take my phone out and write down . Right now - I’m nervous, nervous about alot of things .
I fall in love with the wrong people .
“Everyday I love you a little bit more .”
£821.56 -
New Phone
Pay off the bills I’ve managed to accumulate over 3 months
Buy the besties Christmas present
Buy the godson’s birthday present
Treat myself to something cheap and cheerful
Look after my family
Latest & Greatest -
The whole festive period has been spent with my two most favourite people in the whole entire world . My best friend and god son - they’ve only been gone for a couple of hours and I feel lost without them already .
I miss our late night chats, poor attempts at getting drunk and cuddles .
So gay -
December 2010
24 posts
Temper, Temper Nay -
Anger is something that is apart of me -
The one thing I despise about myself .
It all stems from being this timid pushover in secondary school - I was never popular nor the prettiest . Infact I was nothing -
I didn’t really have any friends, well a few - but they were never PROPER friends . Friends that you see on the weekends, friends that you tell secrets to . They were the friends...
Just found out one of my “best friends” is engaged - I’m so happy for him .
Literally, broke into a smile when his status changed from “in a relationship” to “engaged” . I’ve yet to meet his boyfriend, but I have done some stalking over the past couple of weeks - so I’m not totally out of the loop .
It genuinely makes me happy, when my...
Out Of The Blue, It's STILL You -
The worst news I could recieve is that you’re happy, in love and planning a future with someone who isn’t me .
All I want is that ONE chance to prove I can change your life . I’m not perfect - never claimed to be, but I’m trying . I’m trying to be your perfect .
I want to be everything you’ve ever wanted -
I feel like the world is moving without me - like...
Christmas '10 -
I love ADORE my family .
Couldn’t ask for anything more, so happy right now .
People who tell me how to live my life - Laughable .
Nothing is said in a person’s “best interests” . There’s always a second motive - I know yours .
Changed -
You know nothing about me, move on .
You could bring up everything from the PAST, which I know you love doing . Admit we’ve drifted apart, don’t latch onto people that are remotely connected to me . You’re attempts are cringe worthy and quite frankly pathetic . You have friends, and while I may not be one of them anymore - I want you to accept it . We’re no longer close, I...
“I don’t boast about money ‘cos I have none, I only boast about dreams ‘cos I got one .”
“See love doesn’t choose a boy or a girl”
- Jessie J
Merry Happy -
I am - I’m genuinely content with life . But I don’t feel “HAPPY” inside anyway - I don’t know what it is . Maybe i’m missing something or someone . There has to be more to life than what it is right now .
Everything is so routine .
Zero -
0 followers, following 0 people .
This blog has officially become my dirty little secret .
7,500 Words -
Procrasination and the need for everything I write to be perfect is not doing me any favours - That and the fact it’s nearly Christmas and I’m running about wasting valuable time, doing things for people who aren’t grateful in the slightest . My sleeping pattern is nothing short of ridiculous - Literally my body has no idea when it’s time to sleep and when it’s time...
Paloma Faith -
“Do you want the truth or something beautiful?”
6:28am, 19th December -
I’ve only had this blog for a few hours and it’s already fast becoming my new best friend . See I don’t do best friends, because whilst they mean well - they don’t half do some fucked up things . Things that we can never get past, things that destroy that trust and break that bond we once had .
Whilst it’s all well and good saying that you miss me, is it bad I...
“Ellie Goulding, Under The Sheets”
...
Downwards Spiral -
5:51am, 19th December 2010 -
Cold, hungry, tooth ache, migraine, joint pain, need a cigarette and i’m craving the drug I swore i’d never take again .
Casualty Of Love -
Yes, I find girls attractive but I don’t think I could see myself in a relationship with a girl long term, I thought I could once but - alas, I was wrong . I’m all for boys - well you’re suppose to call them “men” at my age, but there doesn’t seem to be any REAL men about anymore .
I’m just not interested in boys at the minute, I don’t want a...
Note To My Unborn -
Phoenix,
It’s mummy here -
Although mummy is in a bad place at the moment, in the future she hopes when you come along all the bad things in life will disappear . Mummy promises to keep you safe 48558654286 hours of the day, 2356874658686546 days a week around the clock whilst you grow in your temporary home .
I’ll never complain when you move about to let mummy know you’re...
Tumblr #2 -
HERE
This Love Will Be The End Of You -
It’s been a while now, I hope you’re doin fine now . Saw you talkin’ to the one that couldn’t leave us alone - I’m alone . I look at your pictures, ‘cos I subconciously miss you . Keep tellin’ myself I don’t need ya, but you know me - daydream believer .
I’m starting to scare myself because I can’t seem to let it go, I look at you and...
December, 19th 2010 - 3:14am
6 days till Christmas and I’m sat here at 3:14 in the morning typing up a 2,000 word essay, joy . I created this blog in hope that one day just maybe I can look back on this and laugh - because at least then I can say that was the old me . The vulnerable me, someone who doesn’t mean to be shy and akward but it just happens . The me who looks in the mirror and literally hates everything...